What they should really tell elementary school kids who place in the 99th percentile when they take standardized tests isn’t “hey, you’re super smart, congrats, and we’re going to put you in harder math classes,” but rather “hey, 99% of the people you encounter for the rest of your life will be dumber than you. And they’ll make you miserable.”

In the last two days, I’ve had charming encounters with, what I can only assume were ERB/SAT/ACT bottom-feeders, that I feel the need to share in the hopes that maybe someone at each of these two institutions has working Google Alerts and decides to make a change:

Multiple Offenders: Registration/Security/Lost & Found at the Javits Center

One of the perks of my job is the chance to attend Press Days at Auto Shows (something I didn’t know was a perk until recently, but actually really enjoy). Yesterday, at the opening day of the NY Auto Show, I stopped to use the rest room and found a woman had left her Blackberry in the bathroom. I first checked her address book to see if she had another number listed and couldn’t find one and then emailed her to tell her I’d found her Blackberry in the bathroom and would get it to Javits lost and found. Here’s what then happened:

1. I took the Blackberry to Registration on the first floor and asked if they could get it to the Lost & Found. They said no and I had to take to Security on the fourth floor/other side of the convention center.
2. I went up to the Security office and they told me that I had to take the Blackberry to Lost & Found myself which was apparently located on the second floor.
3. I go back down to the Lost & Found and can’t find it in the location I was told it’s in. I ask a Security guard on that floor and he tells me to go back to Security but says that Security is on the first floor.
4. No one on the first floor knows where this Security office is and they try to send me back to four. At which point I audibly sigh and walk away.
5. Now over 30 minutes have passed and I’m debating: how do I return this Blackberry to Sonia, its owner, but also get on with my life when I literally have no one to whom to give it?
6. So I returned it to where I found it and emailed her telling her thats where it was.

But seriously, Javits, what’s wrong with your team? I bet 200 cell phones are lost during the first week of the NY Auto Show, surely there’s a procedure. Out of the seven people I dealt with, not one person knew how to handle a lost item. I think your staff FAQs need some major updating.

Second Offender: Casa Nonna Delivery Boy

Background needed for anecdote below: I live in a standard apartment building with a 24-hour front desk and elevators. I can’t stress how normal/standard my living situation is.

I returned this evening from four days of travel to an empty fridge and ordered take out from Casa Nonna, an overpriced, generally mediocre Italian restaurant that just happens to have an out of this world pasta called “Stracci di Manzo” — flat pasta in a braised short rib/tomato sauce. Thanks to Seamless.com, my meal was to arrive in 30-45 min and at the 30 min mark exactly, received a phone call from the delivery guy:

DG: I’m downstairs.

KU: Great, you can come up, it’s apartment [redacted]

DG: Ok.

Pretty clear exchange. If you were me, you’d probably expect… a delivery guy to show up at your door, right? 10 minutes later, no one’s here so I call my front desk and ask if they’ve seen the delivery guy, they say no and I see the delivery guy on call waiting. The following exchange occurs:

KU: Hi, where are you?

DG: I’m downstairs.

KU: Great, please come up. It’s apartment [redacted].

DG: I don’t know how.

KU: You just come in the building and take the elevator up, what are you talking about.

DG: I’m confused.

KU: Are you telling me you don’t know how to come upstairs? I don’t understand. Are you at the right building?

DG: I don’t know. You come downstairs.

With that, I went downstairs and Tony at the front desk pointed out the window at the delivery guy going “I don’t know what’s wrong with him.” I got my food and the delivery guy shrugged and said “Very confusing” and walked away.

I actually think this might be helpful evidence to Creationists, because even monkeys are smarter than that guy.